It took a lot out of me, growing up with all these unspoken rules around. Even as a kid, I felt like I was being shaped by stories and expectations I didn’t choose. As I got older, I started to notice little things that didn’t add up for me. I’d ask questions, but the answers never really satisfied me. I started realizing that what felt right to me wasn’t always what everyone else expected.
For a long time, I struggled with this. I tried to fit in, putting on different versions of myself depending on who I was with. It was exhausting, always thinking about what I could say and who I could say it to. Eventually, I just let go. It wasn’t dramatic; just a quiet decision to stop pretending.
But it never really goes away. Everywhere I go, it’s like there’s this background noise reminding me to be careful. At gatherings, in everyday conversations, I can never fully relax. I always have to watch what I say and keep certain parts of myself hidden.
What really eats at me is the lying. I hate it. Every time I have to dodge the truth or make something up about who I am, it tears me up inside. I wish I could just be honest, but I know what it could cost me.
Relationships are especially tough. Whenever I try to open up and share this part of myself for the sake of transparency, it’s like hitting a wall. As soon as I reveal the truth, people just put a dead stop to things. It’s painful, seeing any chance at something real end so quickly, just because I decided to be honest.
Still, I keep going. Because between staying true to myself even if it means tripping at every step, or comprising everything I hold dear to me and living a normal life, the choice makes itself.